Wow! I can’t believe I’m still abstinent after 120 days!!! I am so happy and relieved to have continued abstinence. My life is so much better now and I feel a lot more inner peace. Why is it so very hard to become abstinent after a relapse? I relapsed for over one year and even though I KNEW life was so much better abstinent of sugar, I just couldn’t do it on my own. It was incredibly frustrating to know better but to not be able to do what I needed so desperately to do. Just after my first visit to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting in a very long time and just before I wanted to get abstinent, I DID get on my knees and asked my Higher Power to give me abstinence. Granted, I got it BEFORE my birthday when I had planned on doing my last binge (will I never change?) but it was the BEST birthday gift I could ever get!
I now can go up my staircase without crawling because I don’t have so much pain in my knees. Pain was caused by my weight gain (and I still have some pain because I gained a lot of weight) but a lot of it seemed to be caused by sugar itself. I strongly believe sugar contributed to inflammation in my body and that made EVERYTHING hurt. I can actually put on SOCKS! If you’ve never made it passed 300 lbs, you won’t understand how things can get so incredibly difficult. “Exercise” they say….SURE, but try putting on socks and tying your shoes when you are morbidly obese! It ain’t easy, that’s for sure! I would be sweating bullets just from putting on my socks and attempting to tie my shoes. Putting on exercise clothing is a whole other contortion exercise when you are 300 lbs plus!
I still have the dreaded tiny holes in my t-shirts which I believe are caused from leaning on my kitchen sink to reach the faucet when I’m doing dishes. That’s going to have to disappear when I either grow longer arms or lose enough weight that I don’t have to “lean into” the counter to reach the faucet. Oh, the little things we struggle with!
Let’s talk about personal hygiene when you’re over 300 lbs….folks, you can’t reach important parts of your body to keep yourself clean. I talked to an OA friend of mine and he actually DISLOCATED his shoulder from having to reach so hard for his nether region! Thankfully, I am now fully capable of doing my basic hygiene…..what a relief! It’s crazy what I put myself through with this disease.
I haven’t missed an OA meeting yet, I have a sponsor (that I need to speak to more regularly), I am sponsoring someone (which helps me even more than it helps them!) and I do try to put myself in the hands of my higher power. Things I need to do more often….pray, work the steps, meditate and exercise. I have been praying for the WILLINGNESS to exercise…..even just 20 minutes a day will help but again, I just don’t exercise as much as I know it will be great for me….I just need to put that in the hands of my Higher Power. I’m hoping He can give me the willingness to move this body and get it back to fully functioning. I need to keep focusing on the recovery and not on the weight.
“If you focus on the weight, you will lose your recovery…if you focus on your recovery, you will lose the weight.”