I tell myself it’ll be okay but majority of the time I don’t believe it. I’m afraid of what I am and of my own mind. Sometimes I fear that I’ll never get better, that I’ll just remain stuck, and never escape from my own mind. At times I feel like trying to just be normal or trying to move on from these feelings has made things worse. I say I need to change, but how?
Often times the mind of the sick already knows these things. People suffering from depression and anxiety often know that the way they think isn’t exactly healthy. It’s not new material, it’s the execution of the change we want that we’re all lost in. Because everyone has a plan of some sort, at one point at least. It often times goes something like this: escape and find refuge, magically recover completely from whatever illness, start over, and then live the “normal” life you’ve always wanted.
As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I can tell you I have that very same plan. And every once and awhile, when I’m really down, I will spend hours fanaticizing about that plan. Perfecting every detail dreaming that one day, I’ll be able to execute it. Sure it’s easy and fun to dream about starting over but without attempting to get better now without escaping, you’ll never be able to execute it.
I knew that to make that plan a reality I needed to revise it, one part in particular. I needed to stop trying to escape and start trying to change. Because no matter how hard I wished and dreamed nothing would get better without a new, open mindset. One that was willing to fix things in the here and now and not try to escape. That’s the plan.